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DRIVING WITH DIPSTICKS, A COLUMN BY BEN BRICKMAN

Top 3 driver complaints on humor website

Monday, August 25, 2014 - 8:30 am

We have been looking at things that make you a bad driver but are not always complained about. We have now reached the top three as reported by the humor site Cracked​.com.

No. 3: People Who Hang Out In Your Blind Spot

“If you are a responsible driver, you know there are ‘blind spots’ around your car that you can’t see using your mirrors, and that it’s bad for another vehicle to be in them, at least if you consider it bad to be completely unaware of a one ton machine going 70 mph right next to your car,” the article said.

“When someone drifts into your blind spot, it’s not a problem, you just speed up or slow down to get them out of it. But some drivers, for some inexplicable lack of reason, insist on staying in your blind spot. You speed up, they speed up. You slow down, they slow down.”

What is wrong with these dipsticks?

“Speeding up might be explained by typical chest-thumping driver competitiveness, but slowing down? That’s just weird. Perhaps they’re just not paying attention and unconsciously matching the speed with the nearest car”; on the phone, with a drink in the other hand, etc. Put down the phone and the drink, and control your vehicle, please!

No. 2: Slow Drivers In Denial

The article claimed, “Most slow drivers are pretty oblivious, but a few of them are in active, aggressive denial. If you should pass them, as you normally would to a slow driver, they suddenly wake up, become incensed, and speed up, as if to say, ‘Hey! I’m not a slow driver! Who says I am!’ They may have just drifted off for a bit, they seem to be saying, but how dare you judge them by that speed they were going. That’s not their real speed. They’re really a fast driver, you just caught them at a bad moment.

“Of course, 30 seconds later, after you reluctantly settle back in behind them, they are back to crawling along like a tortoise. And do you dare pass them again? They are clearly ... sensitive about this. You don’t want to start a road rage thing here.”

So what do you do with these people? You pass them again!

No. 1: People Who Think Emergency Lights Make Them Invincible

Here is the No. 1 thing that Cracked.com found to be annoying and under-reported. This one cracked me up! It said that some people think that turning on their emergency flashing lights is “like turning on star mode in Super Mario Bros., making you invincible from all laws, moral responsibility and physical harm.

“Need to Double Park? Emergency lights! Now no one is allowed to get mad at you because you put on your emergency lights. That means free parking! Go ahead and stop in the red zone, in a handicapped space, in the middle of the street, in the crosswalk, on the sidewalk, whatever! It’s like diplomatic immunity!”

“You want to pull over to take a picture on a winding freeway but there’s no shoulder? Just stop right in the middle of the ... road and put on your flashers! Surely the next car coming around the curve will see through the mountainside using X-Ray vision and easily stop in time. You are as safe and protected as a baby in its mother’s bosom.

“Heck, if these people left their emergency lights on all the time, they could just go through this world doing whatever they want. Good thing they haven’t figured that out yet.”

To that I say, look what I have just unleashed on Fort Wayne.

Until next time, be careful out there, and watch your blind spot; no one else does.

Ben Brickman is production manager for Fort Wayne Newspapers. Want to vent? Send it to dipsticks@news-sentinel.com. Include all the details you can think of. If your dipstick gets in the paper he’ll give you the credit, or not. It’s your call. You can phone in your Dipstick sightings at 461-8285. Ben’s also on Facebook, Driving With Dipsticks!