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MARINATING

‘Vanilla Ice Goes Amish’ another low point for reality TV

Saturday, May 25, 2013 - 12:01 am

DIY, the Do It Yourself network, has announced a number of new home renovation shows sure to make television history.

The one that gets my vote for the 342,913th best idea ever for a television reality show is “Vanilla Ice Goes Amish.” We have to be real careful not to make a typo in the show's title, lest you confuse it with the infamous “Debbie” and a certain city in Texas. (Kudos to anyone whose head that did not fly right over.)

Anyway, yes, that Vanilla Ice — the wannabe rapper who copied 99 out of 100 notes of David Bowie and Queen's song “Under Pressure” to come up with his completely original (ha!) “Ice Ice Baby” back in the Roaring '20s, ... sorry, I meant the Boring '80s.

Unlike Mr. Ice's last project, in which, among other innovative ideas, he installed a wide-screen TV in a bathroom shower, the premise of his new show is to build a barn using the same hand-held tools as the Amish. No word on whether he is going to dress the part for the filming.

Looks as if we won't be seeing any ads for Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor's Binford power tools during the commercials. I hope Vanilla has some of that ice, ice stashed away for when he inevitably bangs his finger with the (M.C.) Hammer. (I love rapper jokes.)

Maybe he can recruit some Milli and/or Vanilli imitators (is that redundant?) to lend him a hand. Although the building inspector will have to make sure they don't use plastic nails on the drywall or cotton candy for insulation — not that they would ever try to cut corners and trick the public like that.

For me, this show falls just under “Celebrity Wife Swap” and just above anything featuring a Kardashian on the stupidity scale of modern reality TV programming.

Mike Marin is a cranky curmudgeon who, when he’s not yelling at kids to get off his lawn, likes to complain about the sad state of popular culture, especially as seen through a TV screen. His email address is marinating@tribune.com. This column is the personal opinion of the writer and does not necessarily reflect the views or opinion of The News-Sentinel.